Yes, it is true that as human beings we are naturally driven toward change yet, this very natural pull that we feel moving us in a forward direction is so often unfortunately self sabotaged.
As much as we want to make changes, change can feel as if it’s working against us. We want it, but then again we don’t. And here’s why:
Human beings are weary of the unknown. Our biggest fears reside there. Because whatever we fear most lives in that imagined unknown space that is of course, change. The dilemma is that we want to change how we live but we don’t want to change what we feel. It’s the ying and the yang. “I’d like a slice of cake without the guilt and calories please.”
So, you don’t bring cake into the house in fear of eating it. If we don’t bring it in we can avoid the temptation and the discomfort we feel after we indulge alltogether. In this way:
We eliminate the possibility of failure by eliminating the challenge.
So let’s think about this for a moment. You’ve eliminated cake from your home and that probably felt uncomfortable. However, by removing the cake completely you eliminate the risk of failure and you can control then the outcome.
We are not motivated simply by change rather we are motivated to feel in control.
Breaking unhealthy habits are about control. With each habit we attempt to change our motivation decreases and increases based on the risk factor and our level of control over the outcome.
Here’s an example:
What’s the change I need to make?
“I’d like to start my own business.”
What’s the risk?
“I might fail and be rejected by others.”
What would I feel?
“Shame and embarrassment.”
How can I control this outcome?
“Eliminate the change.”
We change what we can control.
We resist what we cannot.
Change is a control issue.
We HAVE to feel in control, it’s of our nature. We are controlling human beings. So control may often times only be found in the avoidance. This is how resistance operates in our lives. And habits that involve others near or far impact change dramatically. Our inability to control others makes us too vulnerable because under these conditions we risk rejection, loss, hurt, abandonment, and overall disappointment.
So, we don’t move, we avoid, we minimize, rationalize, and excuse our way out to eliminate, these risks from ever occurring.
What you need to know to begin changing this pattern of behavior is that your perception of control is a false perception and that you’re no more avoiding in isolation or in idle movement than if you were to present yourself to the world. You cannot eliminate the heckler.
You cheat yourself out of living when you convince yourself that you can. You are no more controlling rejection than you are of aging because these disappointments are a part of life. There will always be those who will reject in turn those who will celebrate and support your triumphs.
People will reject
People will leave
People will criticize
Loss will occur
And the world was never safe to begin with.
These inevitable elements of life are outside of our control but there of course to help us learn and to grow. Without these challenges in our lives our frame of reference for what’s possible remains limited, stunted, and small. We cannot control other people. We can only control their placement in our lives. And when we stop allowing their behavior to dictate our own, we take our power back.
The heckler only exists when you design your life around him.
In other words, resisting change to avoid rejection is allowing your worth to be defined by others.
Letting go of this fear and false sense of control is the first and foremost change you want to make in your life.
In the many years I’ve been helping people to change their lives I’ve gotten to know the fear that holds them back well. This fear that keeps them from living, the fear of rejection and loss.
But as you change consider this:
You haven’t lost what’s needed grow. You’ve lost what was failing to thrive.
Change involves shedding the old for the newly revived you. It involves embracing the risks as well as the outcomes in order to broaden your frame of reference for what is possible. Living rigid and seeking control only limits your reality. A small mindset will design a small life.
So, let’s begin by shifting your perspective in this context. All experience promote growth. And all experiences good and bad are of great value. The broader your reference to one side increases your reference to other. In other words,
If bad things can happen then so too, can the good. If there is loss there is gain. If you can fail you can as well, succeed. Love, happiness, safety, success. We can’t embrace what we have nearly to the degree until we’ve lived without it.
We grow when we allow ourselves to be challenged. Stop idealizing control. It’s only valuable when it works! When you instead accept the only control you have is of your own choices the potential for change and your ability to move through challenges becomes effortless for this is truly how change was meant to be.
If you would like to learn more about how to make change happen and take control of your life, click here!
Here's to Living!